


Kili's Hidden Secret

by SongsofPsyche



Category: The Hobbit (2012), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-21
Updated: 2013-02-10
Packaged: 2017-11-26 08:06:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/648386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SongsofPsyche/pseuds/SongsofPsyche
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>And then he felt anger. Why? Why would Kili do this instead of telling him? They told each other almost everything, to the point where Fili believed that they had no secrets between them. They trusted each other. And now, this little hobbit's story had burned right through that sense of trust he had for his brother.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The company of Thorin Oakenshield had been walking towards Rivendale for several days now. Even though he was happy to be heading towards the Hidden Valley, Bilbo couldn't help but miss his old cozy life style and he shuddered every time he thought of what lay ahead of them.

"Stop worrying so much, you know Gandalf and the others wont let anything happen. Cheer up Bilbo, soon you will finally see the elves!" he constantly told himself.

They set up camp for the night near a small river. Bombur immediately began preparing some sort of delicious stew for them. After they had eaten, each dwarf began to prepare himself for the night. Thorin set himself up by the fire, for he was the first watch, Kili disappeared behind the river bend to scout out their path for tomorrow, while Fili went to attend the ponies. The others: Bifur, Bofur, Dori, Ori, Nori, Oin, Gloin Dwalin and Balin began preparing for the night by rolling out their sleeping clothes, smoking on their pipes or whittling little chunks of wood. Bofur nudged Bilbo with his toe "Mr. Baggins, can you be a good help to us and wash these dishes other there by the river?" and pointed to the pile.

Grumbling, Bilbo took the dishes and walked towards the river.

"I always do them. For just once I would like to see Fili do them, or Thorin or Gloin but no its always "Mr. Baggins can you wash these dishes for me?" Do them yourself you blasted braided dwarf! Im not your-"

But his thoughts were cut off by a bright something in the water that caught his eye. Bilbo put down the pot he was rinsing and looked closer; it was blood. Though it only was a thin line, it still flowed with an intensity that indicated that whoever's or whatever's blood it was had been injured badly. Immediately he felt a sense of panic rise up in him.

"Is someone hurt? Are there orcs? What do I do?" He thought to himself.

"If someone is hurt, I should help them." He said outloud, trying to calm himself for he wasn't one for brave deeds. Then he stood up stuffing the dish towels in his pocket, taking a large frying pan with him (just in case) and began to follow the stream upwards.

He had not gone more than twenty paces when he came across a peculiar site: Kili, kneeling on the bank of the river. His dark hair covering his face as he focused intensely on the river. He had both wrists submerged in the water, a thin line a blood was trailing from them. Kili's vanbraces, which he always wore, were put off to the side and next to them, was a small hunting knife. It blade was covered in dark red, shiny blood.

Bilbo quietly took two steps closer towards Kili to see exactly what was causing the young dwarf to bleed so profusely and gave an involuntary gasp of horror for what he saw chilled him to the bone. Up and down Kili's wrists were cuts. And somehow, deep down Bilbo knew that they were no accident.

"Oh Kili, whatever happened to you to cause you so much pain?" He thought sadly, but he had not the courage to ask such a question out loud.

Kili remained where he was. Bilbo slowly walked towards him, and when he was close enough, put a hand on the dwarf's shoulder. Kili jumped with surprise, making the water splash and then twitched away from the hobbit's hand. Bilbo kneeled down next to him.

"Hello Kili" He said softly.

Kili would not look the little hobbit in the eye, for he was ashamed at what was written across both wrists. Each cut across his wrist represented his deepest darkest insecurities and failures. Ever since he was young, he had always followed in Fili's footsteps. Never being quite as good as his brother, never receiving much praise from his uncle. Ever since he had learned that he was an heir, a prince to Erebor he had continuously feared and doubted himself. Eventually those doubts and fears had built up too much inside of him and he had resorted to the blade for release. He had kept it a secret, even from Fili, by hiding the scars under his vanbraces. No one ever knew, no ever suspected, until now. The hobbit sitting next to him had found him out. What would he say? Would he tell the others?

Fortunately, Bilbo was not one to judge. He quietly reached into the river and pulled Kili's hands out, and dabbed them dry with his washing towel. As he did this, he saw not only the new cuts but also many scars that were scattered up and down the dwarf's wrists.

Bilbo then took his last two handkerchiefs out of his other pocket and neatly wrapped them around the new cuts. Kili winced softly as the hobbit secured the handkerchiefs.

After he was done bandaging both wrists, Bilbo looked at Kili's young face hidden underneath dark strands of hair. The dwarf wouldn't even look at him, he was so ashamed. Bilbo then reached out and put his hand under Kili's chin, bringing his eyes to meet his.

"I don't know your whole story, Kili but from what I see I can tell you have been hurting. You are a great dwarf, you do not deserve this."

Kili turned his head away from Bilbo and looked down at his bandaged wrists.

"But I do." He whispered

"Why do you have so little faith in yourself? You have been nothing by valiant, brave and strong on this journey."

Kili sighed. "You will not understand."

"Try me." Bilbo challenged.

Kili sighed again. He was so tired of hiding, so tired of pretending he was alright.

"You do not need to go into detail, Kili. I just want to understand so I can help." Bilbo added, suddenly afraid that his words before had been too harsh. To his surprise, the dwarf nodded and turned to face him. Their eyes met for a second but then Kili looked to the ground. Then Kili began to talk;

" When I was a child living in the Blue Mountains, I was often teased by the younger dwarf children. They called me clumsy, for I was smaller than the rest. My brother always did everything right, always pleased Uncle Thorin, always knew what to do and what to say. I felt that I could never be perfect. I was all alone, overshadowed by the success of my brother. How could I, a dwarf of so many faults ever be a King or even a prince? It became so unbearable, so heavy that one day I took my hunting knife to my wrist and cut it deep into my flesh. That was the beginning."

"Oh Kili" was all Bilbo could say.

"Every time I felt doubt, every time something went wrong I would cut to relieve my pain and now I cannot seem to stop." Kili eyes yet again met Bilbo's with a pleading look. "I do not know what to do." he whispered softly, voice heavy with emotion. He leaned his head in and rested it on Bilbo's shoulder. Bilbo didn't need to guess what this was about, only last night Thorin had scolded Kili for joking of orc attacks.

Bilbo put a reassuring hand on the dwarfs's back. "Its alright, Kili. Do not give up hope." He whispered. After a few minutes,Kili leaned back into the sitting position. They sat there in silence for a little while, the only sounds were the from the river and the wind in the trees.

Bilbo did not know what to say next. Kili's tale had shaken him down to the very core. It made him sad to see such a strong person fall so easily at the fault of others. Kili needed his help, but he didn't know how to help him. Finally Bilbo sighed, and then said:

"You are one of the strongest people I know, and I do not think that you are clumsy or bumbling or whatever else you were called. As for Fili, you two compliment each other so well I couldn't even imagine a world without the two of you together. You have strengths too- different from your brothers? Yes, but that's what makes you unique. Fili is good with the sword but, he is nothing compared to you when it comes to archery. Believe me, I've seen him try. I think you will make an excellent King someday, and that you give the line of Durin something to be proud of."

Then Bilbo took both of Kili's hands in his carefully, for he did not want to disturb the bandages on his wrists. He looked the dwarf in the eye,

"I am no good at coming up with clever solutions to problems, I am a simple creature. But I'll make you a promise, and in return you have to promise me something, alright?

Kili nodded shakily, and Bilbo saw the dwarf's eyes turn glassy.

"My promise to you is that I will try the hardest to make sure no more scars become a burden on these wrists. I will try my hardest to support you in any way possible. You have my faith until the very end, Kili. But only, if you promise that if you ever feel like you need to cut, to come talk to me. Don't do this to yourself anymore. We will figure out a solution that will not cause you any more harm. I will always be here for you, and so are the others. Yes, even Thorin. We are a company. We will always watch out and take care of each other."

Kili nodded again, but remained silent. Bilbo squeezed the archer's hands that were still held in his.

"Do you promise?" he asked

Kili nodded and looked up, "Yes" he whispered and smiled slightly.

Bilbo smiled back then handed Kili his van braces. Kili carefully put them on over the bandages.

"Please don't tell the others. In time, they shall know but it is too soon for me now." Kili requested just as Bilbo was about to mention saying something to Fili, but he swallowed his thought

"Your secret is safe with me" Bilbo half-promised, smiling at his friend. He had already made up his mind to speak with Fili though. No one should have to suffer like this, and if there was anyone that could truly help Kili, it would be his brother.

It was not until then that Bilbo noticed how dark it had gotten.

"Oh my, I still have all those dishes to get to! Excuse me, Kili but if I don't get to them right away, Bofur will have my head." He stood up, and patted the dwarf's back.

Kili looked up at him and gave him a watery smile. "Thank you, Bilbo." The Hobbit nodded, and then turned away from the young dwarf and headed back towards his dishes.

As Bilbo washed Bofur's blasted dishes, Bilbo considered the dilemma he had just put himself in. Yes, it was sad that Kili had to resort to harming himself to contend with his difficulties but, there must be another way. It also made Bilbo weary of Thorin's role as a mentor. How could he not realize what he was putting his nephew through? And Fili, how could he not know? The idea was just absurd, since they spend so much time together. If Fili did know, he was doing nothing to help. As Bilbo finished the dishes, he made up his mind; he must tell someone, before this got out of hand. Now he just had to pluck up the courage to actually say it, at the right moment.

This said moment didnt come until they were safely at Rivendale. It felt to Bilbo that this place was a good one for healing and the company was in a good mood having successfully escaped both Orcs, and Trolls within a day of each other so he decided to just do it. Throughout the past two days, since the night at the river, Kili had continuously avoided Bilbo, sulking away whenever he came into sight. Bilbo wasn't surprised, but he had hoped that the confrontation would have made them closer, rather than farther apart. He did notice that whenever he spoke to one of the others; to Fili or Bofur or Gandalf, Kili would look up at him in panic, and if he did catch the hobbits eye, he would shake his head. Please don't his look would say. As if he were afraid that Bilbo would say something about his well kept secret.

Finally the hobbit couldnt take the raging ethic battle in his chest any long. He had to say something. Right now. The company was comfortably gathered in one of the large guests rooms, laughing and talking as always. Bilbo felt a twinch of remorse, for after he said what he needed to say he was sure that the company wouldnt be as happy but (as that Ethic side of his pushed him) he needed to do this. Taking a deep breath, Bilbo then stood up from his seat on the ground, looking around the group he found Fili and met his eye.

"Fili? May I have a word?" he asked, and Fili nodded. Slightly confused that the hobbit had even asked him, for Bilbo rarely signaled any other the others out. Bilbo ignored Kili's slight look of panic as he motioned for Fili to follow him outside the room and onto one of the secluded balconies that looked over the valley.

It took Bilbo several minutes of battling with himself to even say anything. He had promised Kili he wouldnt tell anyone, but here he was. Breaking that promise. It's for his own good. He thought, but still it troubled him. He hated himself for betraying Kili's trust, but he knew he would loath himself if he sat back and did nothing to help. Fili seemd to notice the hobbit's internal struggle, for he asked;

"What is on your mind, Bilbo?"

The hobbit sighed, and then, gathering his courage he said;

"Kili."

"What about my brother?"

And then, with slight pauses Bilbo told Fili what he had witnessed that night by the river, and his concerns for the younger dwarf.

"I'm sorry, but I had to speak my mind. He needs help, Fili." Bilbo concluded, watching the dwarf's face.

Fili didnt say anything for a long while, as he was trying to process what he just heard. His first thoughts had been -- _Kili? No, there is no way that Kili would ever--_ but then Bilbo had told him why, and it clicked. He had never felt sorry for his brother, ever. Not when Thorin yelled at him for his rash decisions or when he was scolded for his absentmindedness. But now, after hearing the truth, the only thing that Fili felt was pity.

And then he felt anger. _Why?_ Why would Kili do this instead of telling him? They told each other almost everything, to the point where Fili believed that they had no secrets between trusted each other. And now, this little hobbit's story had burned right through that sense of trust he had for his brother. He was brought out of his thoughts by Bilbo;

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"Are you going to speak with him? Do something?"

Fili sighed then said, rather harshly, "I have no sympathy for people who bring pain upon themselves."

"But are you going to do something? I can't just sit here, knowing this and not do anything. What if something happens, what if he-"

"Dont you think I havnt thought of that?" Fili interrupted, " _I dont know what to do_. I dont even know if I believe it. Why? Why would Kili do this?"

"You should talk to him."

"How?" shot Fili

"I-" Bilbo stuttered, unable to come up with a good answer.

"See? See the position you have put me in? Thank you for your concerns, Mr. Baggins but let me tell you this: _this is none of your business._ " Fili told him, anger overpowering his panic as he felt his voice rise. And as he began to realize that this may be something that was too over his head to handle. He shook his head, "I should get back to the others." he told Bilbo, and then, ending the conversation with forceful nod, he turned away from the balcony and walk back inside. The weight of his brother's secret hanging heavily from his chest.

Fili kept a watchful eye on his brother after that night, noticing how after any one of the others teased Kili, or scolded him, or ignored him that Kili would become still and silent. An obvious change of character, for usually Kili had a smile on his face, or a laugh in his throat. Kili never approached him, nor Bilbo about anything though. If he had negative thoughts, he kept them to himself. This is what worried Fili the most, that Kili _was_ being bothered and the he was not doing anything about it.

Bilbo had made it a notion of his to speak with Kili almost every night, even if their conversations were about nothing at all in particular. Always when he did this, he felt Fili's eye on him, he couldnt help but think of it as a glare. Fili's reaction had not been what he expected. He had expected Fili to be flabberghasted, and fairly concerned about his brother, but he had not expected was the lack of sympathy. He tried not to dwell too deeply on it, for Fili had been right. Bilbo was not family, therefore it was not of his business to interfer with the heirs of Durin and their feelings but it was Bilbo's sympathetic side that made him feel obligated to help.

Kili's secret wasnt revealed until the night that they were driven inside a cave to escape the mountain giants. The overwelming sense of relief that Kili was still alive, and that he hadnt lost any of his kin lessened his guard as he threw off wet jacket and overshirt to dry . As Kili did, the most recent cuts on his collarbone (they had been moving so fast for the last few days he hadnt had time to find a secluded enough area to sit and take his vanbraces off) caught Fili's eye.

"What's that?" the older dwarf asked, pointing to the red mark.

Kili shrugged, "What's what?" he asked, feigning surprise.

"On your collarbone, there." Fili asked, this time stepping up to him and moving the shirt aside to examine the cut. Kili fliched, and tried to surpress his panic.

"Nothing, just a scratch."

"It doesnt look like just a scratch." came Fili's concerned reply. He pulled the fabric away and then saw three more diagonal cuts. He felt his heart drop, Bilbo had been right.

"These were no accident." Fili told his younger brother, staring at them and then looking up to meet Kili's eye.

"I just got cut, earlier when the rocks fell." Kili explained. Fili huffed, "I can hardly believe that.", giving his brother a little shove and a hard stare.

As Kili fought panic, he looked past his brother's worried face to Bilbo, who had just stood up face lined with concern. And then to Thorin, who had looked up from his pack just as Fili again asked;

"Kili, what is this?"

Kili opened his mouth to say _nothing, it's nothing_. But was interrupted;

"And don't say it's nothing."

This time Thorin stood, coming over to the brothers. Kili took in a shaky breath. _No_. He thought _No, this can't be happening_. They can't find out. He tried to pull away from his brother, but Fili's grip on his shoulder tightened.

"What's going on?" Thorin asked, looking between the two faces of his nephews. He could tell something was wrong, by the way Kili seemed to shrink away from the towering Fili.

"Kili has been hurt." Fili explained, and then pulled down the fabric of Kili's shirt once again to show the cuts right below his collarbone. Thorin looked at the cuts, and then to his youngest nephews face hidden underneath his dark hair.

"How did you come by these?" Thorin asked, but Kili just shook his head.

"Kili-"

"It's nothing." Kili finally answered, looking up to meet his eye with a fierce glare. He felt his face redden as he saw the rest of the company looking their way. This isn't happening, they can't find out. _No. No!_ He thought fiercly, trying to figure out how to worm his way out of this encounter. This was different than when the hobbit found out his secret, this was real. He felt trapped, and in the spotlight as Thorin's eyes never left the marks, waiting for an answer.

Fili must have felt his brothers panic then, for he squeezed his shoulder in an encouraging way.

"It's alright, Kili. You can tell us." he said, but the edge in his voice was far from comforting. Kili looked up past his uncle's concerned face and connected with Bilbo. The hobbit met his eyes, and then nodded his head slighty as if to say _you can do it_. Kili shook his head, it was too soon. There were too many eyes on him, too many stiff voices in his ears. He wouldnt-he couldnt say anything. Not yet.

He finally broke away from Fili's grip and backed up, trying to get away. His back hit the walls of the cave and he slid down to the ground, suddenly unable to stand, or think or speak.

"Kili?" his brother's tone was different. Laced with concern now.

"Just let me be." Kili whispered, and to his surprise, both his uncle and his brother nodded.

"Alright. But, dont think you have avoided this conversation. Get something to eat, and some sleep. We'll talk about it tomorrow." Thorin told him sternly.

"Alright?"

Kili nodded, and to his relief Fili and Thorin backed away, leaving him in his thoughts. Awhile later, he felt a boot nudge his knee.

"Here you go, lad. It's not hot but it's food." a voice said, and Kili looked up to see Bofur holding out a few slices of travelers bread in his hand for him to take. Kili accepted the bread with a silent nod of thanks, but to his dismay Bofur took the seat next to him and patted his knee.

"You alright?" he asked, and Kili nodded, "Im fine, Bofur."

"Are you sure? You didnt seem alright a few moments ago, when Fili and Thorin were-"

"I'm fine." Kili said again, interrupted the elder dwarf. Bofur paused, and took his hand away. He too had seen the cuts on Kili's collarbone, from a distance and it looked to him that they had been put there for a reason but Kili didnt seem like he wanted to offer any explaination at the moment so he didnt push it. Instead he said;

"You and I, we should really have a good long talk sometime. I-"

But he was interrupted by a deep rumbling from below and suddenly a large crack appeared in the ground. Thorin only have moments to shout at them before they all tumbled down, deep into darkness.

Despite his panic, Kili felt relieved. Surely whatever was about to happen to them would replace his Uncle's and brother's concern for him.

His secret remained safe.

8888888888888888


	2. Secrets Revealed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Goblin King smiled. This was exactly the reaction he wanted; the shame, the confusion, the horror. He laughed, for disturbing the peace and opening evil cans of worms was his specialty. And now Thorin will die knowing that one of his own was in pain. Absolutely wonderful.

All Fili felt was an intense amount of terror as he struggled to breath and shove Bombur off of him. It had been quite a rude awakening for him, for he had been deep asleep when the trap door was pulled. Now he blinked weary eyes as he saw a swarm of goblins come towards the group. He felt himself being jerked up by the shift of his shirt and thrown into the massive crowd of goblins and dwarves. He tried to fight, to reach his weapon to do anything that would stop them but a strong goblin grabbed him before he could fully stand up. The goblin yanked his arms behind him and shoved him in the line. Fili only caught glimpses of the others and they fought and struggled the goblins as they brought the group to their King.

  
The only thing Kili felt was anger. It flared up inside him like an inferno, so hot and intense that he didn’t hear what the Goblin King was saying, only that it was threatening.

“If they wont talk, we’ll make them squawk!” the creature shouted, “Start with the youngest!” and before Kili knew what was happening, he was thrust infront of the group. He swung a fist at the goblin to his left, and felt bones crunch as his fist connected with it. _Ha! Beat that!_  He thought and gave Thorin a bit of a smile _see, I am totally capable of fighting still. I’m just as good as--_

  
The Goblin King grabbed Kili by the front of his shirt and pulled him up off his feet. “So brave, aren’t you, little dwarf? Let’s see how brave you are after you’ve met my whip.”

The King threw Kili back on the ground, then motioned for the dwarf to be held down. Kili struggled as he felt them rip his shirt up and over his head and prepared himself for the worst. But then there was a pause. “What’s this?” and he felt a rough finger trail across his collarbone, down his arm, to his wrist. Of course the goblin knew what it was, and he knew that the shame of it would be way worse than any whip.

  
“Looks like I don’t need the whip after all!” the goblin sneered in Kili’s ear. “No!” Kili whispered, “dont show--” but then he stopped. This was all the goblin needed to know, words and revelations could be worst than whips. The goblin held up Kili’s wrist showing the deep scars and cuts that laced up until the elbow, “Look, Thorin Oakenshield, I don’t need to whip this one. He’s already done it to himself.”

Kili struggled, trying to hide. He was ashamed of what was there, of what they were seeing. He couldn't look at the bewilderment of their faces. The goblin threw him into the company, “Here’s your sorry excuse for a dwarf!”

Kili scrambled away from the hands trying to help him up and reached towards his shirt that had been torn off, pulling it back over his head as quickly as he could. As if this simple act would erase what they had seen.

  
The Goblin King smiled. This was exactly the reaction he wanted; the shame, the confusion, the horror. He laughed, for disturbing the peace and opening evil cans of worms was his specialty. And now Thorin will die knowing that one of his own was in pain. Absolutely wonderful.

  
The last thing Thorin remembered before he went into Warrior Mode was the bright flash of light, and the silhouette of Gandalf. He ran, he fought and he wished desperately that they would make it out of this alive. He didn't breath until they were safe, outside in the forest of the Misty Mountains.

Thorin didn't wait to catch his breath and as reeled towards his youngest nephew, grabbing his wrist and pulling up the sleeve. He wanted to see for himself, if it was true or just a cruel trick that goblin had played on them. Ignoring the lad’s struggles and protests, he felt his breath catch as he saw the cuts and scars and blood. He threw the wrist from him, swearing in Kuzdul.

“What is this, Kili?” he asked, voice laced with rage. When Kili didn't answer, he grabbed his nephew and shook him hard.

“ _What is this_?!” he growled, face inches from the other’s face.

Kili stuttered, mouth opening and closing.

“Thorin.” came Balin’s voice, trying to mediate this angry reaction.

Thorin sighed, then cast one more look at his nephew before shoving him away from him. He turned as Kili fell to the ground and went to join Balin at the front of the group.

  
The others just stared at Kili. They too had seen the scars, but unlike Thorin didnt feel they should be angry at Kili. If anything, the majority of them sympathized with him. Bofur offered him a hand up, and Oin rummaged through his remaining sack murmuring about bandages and tonics.

  
Fili slung his arm around his brother, “You’ll be okay.” was all he said as they walked up the hill. He still didnt agree with what his brother was doing, but now he knew why Bilbo had been so concerned.

  
By this point Kili was on auto-pilot. The fighting with the Goblins, his uncle’s anger and the throbbing in his wrist had overwhelmed him entirely. He was glad when the others didnt press him for more information and generally left him alone. It was what he needed to come back up to the surface.

  
When Azog attacked, he actually laughed out of disbelief. _This has been just about the worst day of my entire life h_ e thought bitterly to himself as he once again found himself mere inches from death. None of it seemed real. Not when he saw his uncle rush towards Azog or when he was lifted into the air by an eagle.

 

Thorin waited until after supper to speak with his nephew. The fight with Azog had taken all the anger from him, and now all he felt was concern. He knew he should atleast talk with the lad, make things better. He stood up, wincing at his bruised and sore limbs. He found Kili’s eyes, and nodded

“Kili. I wish to speak with you.” he told him. As Kili stood up, so did Fili.

“Alone.”

  
He didnt have to meet Fili’s eyes to feel his glare, but he didnt want to over crowd Kili. He had seen the fear in his eyes, before in the cave and as the Goblin King held him up, and the shame as he had yelled at him. He didn’t want his nephew to feel like he was being scrutinized. Despite him yelling at the lad, he loved his nephew dearly, and hated seeing him in pain (plus his sister would skin him alive if she saw that wrist). Thorin just wanted to help.

  
Thorin gave Kili a brief smile as he led his nephew away from the others and sat down on the ledge of the nest. Kili sat next to him, his face hidden by a veil of hair.

  
“What’s going on, Kili?” he asked

“You wouldn't understand.”

  
Thorin shifted to look at his nephew. “Kili, Come on, just tell me.”

  
Kili’s eyes darted back and forth between his Uncle’s worried, no, angry face. He was reluctant to say anything for, unfortunately their little ledge didn't give much privacy from the others, and Kili winced as he knew the others listened.

  
This was all the Goblin King’s fault. If he hadn't ripped off his shirt, if he had picked Ori instead, this wouldn't be happening. He closed his eyes trying to block out the memory of their faces as the King held out his wrist, sputtering harsh words and showing everyone what he had done.

  
Thorin’s voice grew softer, “Im sorry we had to find out that way. It was the last thing I wanted.” He felt bad for his nephew, and the dire circumstances in which his secret had been revealed.

  
“Then what do you want? They’re just cuts, nothing serious---”

  
“This is very serious. You put them there. You did this to yourself. Why?” Thorin demanded. Kili froze, part of him wanting to lie but a bigger part just wanting to tell the truth. To throw off this burden. But it wasn't that simple, there wasn't a clear reason why he cut, he just did. Maybe it was for punishment? For when he did stupid things? Or was it for control? Or for a sense of control when things went bad? He didn't know. He then realized that he had been silent for several minutes, and that Thorin was still waiting his answer. Why was this so hard to tell Thorin? He had no problem telling Bilbo.

  
“I---” he stuttered, and then took a deep breath steadying himself. “Its just--the way I cope, with-with things. When they go bad. To make things right.” he stumbled through his explanation, hoping that it made a little bit of sense. Thorin just nodded, but didnt say anything else. He knew that feeling all too well. Making room for he nephew to countinue, for he knew there was more to just that.

  
“When did this start?” he asked, after a few long minutes.

  
Kili sighed, and found, deep down he really wanted to tell Thorin everything, to get it out in the open. To tell him _it started because of you_. Then maybe, just maybe things will get better. But he was so afraid of Thorin’s judgement he couldn't say anything. What would his uncle think of him?

  
“Kili?” his uncle prodded, waiting for the answer.

  
“I guess-- it started after Fili and I started training with you, Fili was always better than me at everything and I couldn't handle the pressure.” he answered in a trembly voice, looking away from Thorin, “I’ve always been in his shadow and I hate it.”

  
Thorin just nodded, ah the truth revealed. He put his hand on Kili’s knee.  
“You never said anything.”

  
“I know.”

  
“You should have.”

  
“I know.”

  
“You are my everything. I would never want to loose you, ever.”

  
“I am?” Kili finally turned and looked at his uncle, who had tears in his eyes, but a smile on his lips.

“Yes. You and Fili and your Mother are the most precious things to me.”

  
Then something clicked for Kili, all the fear and doubt that he felt earlier disappeared. His uncle, despite his stoic ways loved him. Just as much as he loved Fili. He felt sudden comfort, something that he hadnt felt before, (probably because they had never sat down and had a heart to heart before). He leaned against his uncle.

  
“Thanks.”

  
Thorin put his arm around his nephew. Glad to have finally gotten through to him. They sat like that in silence for a few moments, then Thorin sat up straighter. Now it was time to end this, this _habit_. It was dangerous, and unhealthy and definitely not someone should be doing to themselves.

  
“I don't think you should keep your knife.” he said, once again becoming the Strict Uncle.

  
Kili sat up, “What?” he asked, for he loved that knife, it was a gift from Fili. _Why would Thorin--_

  
“Is that what you use?”

  
 _Oh_. He had forgotten that this wasn't the end. Admitting a problem was just the first step. He couldn't help but think what have I done? What’s going to happen now?

  
“Is it?” Thorin repeated. Kili just nodded, then Thorin held out his hand and Kili reluctantly gave in.

  
“We’re going to fix this.” Thorin reassured his nephew, Kili just nodded.

  
“You shouldn't be alone. At least for a few days. Ill talk to Fili.”

  
“No--”

  
“Do you want to tell him?”

  
Kili shook his head.

  
“I thought so. Then I will.” He looked at Kili’s face, barely an outline in the starlight. He couldn't tell his emotions, but he saw glassy eyes.

  
“It’s late. Did the Goblins hurt you?”

  
A head shake.

  
“Good. Go get some sleep. We start early tomorrow.”

  
As Kili left, Thorin looked out into the distance. His mind racing. How did it come to this? How did he not notice? Kili had always been Kili. Happy-go- lucky, mischievous, brilliant Kili. He saw knew this darker side of his nephew before and it scared him. What had gone wrong?


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fili took the extra to towel and wrapped it around Kili. As he did, he saw the other scars running up and down his legs, and abdomen. He sighed, atleast he now knew what was going on. But how on earth was he supposed to fix this? He felt almost as lost his brother.

Thorin sat on the edge for a long while after Kili left, thinking about the lads, and life in the Blue Mountains. True, it was that Fili had exceled in swordplay and weapons training, faster than anyone he had ever trained. So much so, that maybe, just maybe he  _did_ overshadow his younger brother just a bit. But Kili had strengths too, Thorin remembered fondly the day he had given Kili his first bow and arrow. He had hit the bulleyes the first time, not even waiting for proper instruction. He was a master of precision, of the little things, while Fili had always been better at looking at the big picture. Kili focused on the small details; drawing maps, braiding, coming up with contraptions and battle plans. Yet, they had only focused on the physical nature of battle training. Why hadnt Thorin though to compliment these strengths too? Why hadn't he paid more attention? Kili had hid it so well,too well.  _Of course, he would. Fili would have been caught right away._

Thorin's mind wandered back to earlier that evening, before dinner. When Oin had been tending to Kili's wrist. The scars were hidden rather well, the vanbraces were the perfect cover. He would have never though to check underneath them even if he knew what Kili had been doing. He wondered what else Kili was hiding, there had been the cuts on the collarbone, but were there any elsewhere?  _I'll be sure to check at the next chance,_ but even as he thought that, he didnt know when that would be. That was the danger of dealing with this on the road, there was no stable enviroment. Anything could happen, anything could set Kili off. And what if that did happen and he cut too deep? They would be without help for miles. Thorin felt his panic rising,  _nothing can happen to that lad._

Sighing, Thorin finally stood up. It had been way to long a day, and he needed rest. Before he went to sleep, he checked on his nephews; Kili was curled up in a ball by the fire, and Fili was beside him, stretched out on his back with one leg over Bofur and his arms behind his head. Thorin smilied at Fili's form as he heard an echo of a younger Kili complaining about his brother,  _always taking up all the space._ An argument that had happened almost every night when they had been living in the Blue Mountains.

All during breakfast Kili felt worried eyes on him, and couldn't help but notice the silent communication the group was having about his well being. He kept his head down though, not looking anybody in the eye and trying to avoid they fact that he was now the center of attention.  _Not the way I pictured it though._ He thought sullenly, indeed he had imagined this moment differently, when everybody looked up at him with pride and said  _Now, that is a strong dwarf!,_ where he stood as an equal next to his brother. But now, thanks to the Goblin King everything was different. He had felt so many emotions; shame, guilt, disappointment anger, over the past day and a half that he didn't know what he was supposed to feel right now.  _Stupid Goblin King._

"Kili?" his thoughts were interrupted by Bofur, who had leaned down to meet his eyes. "We're packing up now, do you want anything more before we hit the trail?" he asked slowly in a voice far to loud to be normal, as if he was trying to speak with him through a wall. Kili's eyes narrowed as shook his head;

"Im fine." he said in a clear voice, he didn't want anybody's pity. With everything else, he didnt need his pride taken too.

Bilbo gazed unhappily at Kili as they hiked their way down from the eagle's nest. He didnt know exactly what happened in the Goblin's cave (he had his own troubles to face), but he had a good sense that _something_ did happen because everyone was acting different. More sullen; there was less laughter in the air than before, the light mood had darkened. Bilbo knew that it was something to do with Kili, but he wasnt for sure. Plucking up his courage, he picked up his pace until he was in line with the lad.

"Good Morning, Kili" he said brightly, Kili jumped a little, but then looked down and smiled at the little hobbit. Except for that one night by the river, Bilbo had been the only one that still acted normal around him.

"Morning Mr. Baggins" he replied.

"How are you fairing?"

Kili again looked down at the hobbit, about to complain that this was the millionth time someone had asked him that this morning and that he was tired-

"Weren't those eagles something spectacular? I have never seen anything like that in my life! I swear, this hobbit wasn't meant to be that far off-"

Bilbo continued, and Kili smiled. Bilbo was just being Bilbo, bringing a sense of normalcy to the group. He continued to walk next to the hobbit in silence, listening to his chatter and happy that he wasnt expected to say anything back.

As the day went on, Kili noticed that Fili and Thorin would share this look, he couldnt quite decipher it but he knew it was about him. Thorin kept true to his word, Fili or one of the others was  _always_ with him. It was starting to unnerve him, just a little bit. Things were getting out of sync and since his knife had been taken, he couldnt do the one thing that helped put everything back into place. It was too risky now, with everybody watching him. Even though he was totally capable of using one of his arrows, or other weopens, the fear of his uncle's wrath overpowered his need to cut.  _Wait for the right moment, then do it._ He was relieved when they arrived at Beorn's home. When Beorn offered him and the rest of the company private bathrooms, a bathtub full of water each, Kili smiled.  _Finally, a place where I might get some privacy._

Unforunatly, this didnt happen. No sooner had he taken off his shirt, Fili barged through the door.

"Hey!"

"Oh relax. You're not supposed to be alone, remember?" came Fili's reply. Kili froze for a secound, but then nodded.

"Right. Don't look though."

Fili scoffed and rolled his eyes but turned around, "Like I would. Come on, its not like I haven't seen you naked before." He paused, then asked;

"Remember when Ma would try to round us up for bath time? You always threw a fit."

It was Kili's turn to scoff, he lowered himself into the tub, he silently prayed that his brother wouldnt see the scars on his thighs, then said "That's because you were always put by the facet. I never got any of the warm water."

Fili laughed, "I never knew that. I just thought you didnt like bath time. Are you in? Can I turn around now?"

"You didnt know that? I though you knew everything.  _Yes._ "

Fili turned around, eyes trailing the visible scars on his brothers collarbone. "Apparently not."

Kili sighed, "Come on Fili. Don't start with that. It's been hard enough with everybody else acting like Im about to crack any minute. Not you too."

There was silence as the brothers stared at each other for a moment, then Fili put his hands up in defeat.

"Okay Kili. But just one more thing, you know you can tell me anything, right?"

Kili nodded. "I know."

Fili smiled, then sat down on the toilet that was parallel to the tub.

"Remember to wash behind your ears." he said with a smile, as it was a phrase that their mother said too often. Kili couldnt help but return the smile, and flick some water at his nagging brother.

"Oh shush. You almost sound just like her."

Fili laughed, they remained silent for a beat. The only sounds the splash of the water and fizzle of bubbles as Kili scrubbed himself clean. Until:

"Throw me a towel, will you? I'm done."

Fili did, making sure turn his head as his brother stood up and dried off.  _See? I am totally respecting you pri-_

 _"_ Ah Mahal. Damn it all." a harsh whisper, Fili whipped around to look at his brother, and the spreading blood stains on the towel. There was a flicker of panic in Kili's eyes

"I didnt-not on purpose, they just-please dont tell-" He tried to explain but was cut off by Fili's grabbing the towel and applying pressure. The most recent cuts from his wrist had opened. Probably from the warm water, the towel being too rough or a combination of both. From the look of surprise in Kili's eyes, Fili knew that this time had not been intentional.

"Oh, no. It's okay Kili.  _I know_ it was an accident" Fili tried to comfort Kili, he hadnt expected the panic in Kili's eyes, or the fear.

"Here, keep pressure on it. I'll get you another towel."

Fili took the extra to towel and wrapped it around Kili. As he did, he saw the other scars running up and down his legs, and abdomen. He sighed, atleast he now knew what was going on. But how on earth was he supposed to fix this? He felt almost as lost his brother.

"Stay here, you have dry clothes?"

A nod

"Get dressed, Ill get Oin. He can patch that right up."

"Fili?"

"Yes?"

"Im-Im sorry. I didnt mean for it too-It was an accident. I swear. I want to get better." Kili said, a hint of panic in his voice. Fili reached and squeezed his hand.

"I know. And you will."

Fili left the bathroom, in search for Oin. He tried to keep his emotions under control as tears pricked his eyes.  _Oh Kili._ His little brother. He thought of the harsh words he had told Bilbo, all the way back in Rivendale and immediately felt regret. Now that he had seen the scars and cuts with his own eyes, all he felt was pity.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! I can't believe a one shot has turned into 3 chapters. It's not done quite yet, I think I'll add on a few more. I know this is a sensitive topic, but Im trying to channel this from the dwarves point of view. They are stubborner than most, which is why Fili and Thorin's reactions have been of anger instead of sympathy. They are trying to understand though. The majority of the reactions are molded from real life. Please let me know if it gets too offensive, or too triggering. Thanks!


	4. Chapter 4

Thorin, Gandalf and Fili sat by the fire, each looking at each other, each thinking the same thing but not wanting to say it. Kili needed more help than they had to offer here. Finally Thorin spoke;

"I do not think Kili is capable of continuing on in the quest."

Fili shook his head, "Don't you think that's a bit harsh, Uncle? He has every right-" but was cut off by thorin "The road is no place for someone like-someone with-it's dangerous, and unstable. Too many things could happen. He could get hurt."

"Then what to you suggest we do? Leave our own kin behind?"

"If that's what is best for him. He needs to recover under a steady and watchful eye. That's why I propose that he-"

"Then who would watch over him? We'd all be gone, Beorns been kind to us but he would want to babysi-"

"I will take him to Rivendell." Gandalf interrupted, speaking for the first time. "Lord Elrond is an excellent healer, Kili would be under the eyes of the best."

Thorin roled his eyes, "I would not want my nephew within 10 feet of  _elves."_

_"_ For the hundredth time, put your pride behind you Thorin Oakenshield and think of what is best here…"

And it continued on for some time. Nobody was really sure what to do. For taking away sharp things and keeping a watchful eye on Kili didnt seem like it was enough. Fili did bring up that his brother had told him that he  _wanted_ to get better, but wanting and actually being better were two different things. This was an addiction, something that was now beyond Kili's control.

Kili listened silently at the edge of the door, head tilted to maximize what he heard.  _They are talking about me like I am some crazy thing that can't be controlled._ Yes, he had made a mistake, yes, he now regretted ever taking the knife to his skin but he wasn't-what did they call him?  _An addict._ Kili could stop any time he pleased, it  _was_ in his control.  _I am not crazy_ he thought bitterly.  _But you are_ a little voice said inside his head,  _Thorin doesn't want you on this quest anymore. You are broken, nothing to him now._ Of course Kili wanted to continue on with the group, to conquer Erebor, and to prove himself as a hero. He  _had_ to now, to show that he was just as strong as his brother. A strong dwarf.  _They can't take me away now, we are so close to our goal,_ he thought as Gandalf once again mentioned Rivendell. Kili felt his temper rising  _how dare they sit there and bicker about my future!_ He then opened the door and stormed in. Fili saw him first, "Kili, we were-" he start but was cut off by Kili;

"Don't you think that I should have a say in this? It's my problem. Not yours.  _Mine._  I am not just this, this  _thing_ that can be cast aside when broken. I'm your nephew, your kin. I can fight! I  _am_  capable of continuing on this quest." He shouted, letting his temper take over his rational side and glaring at the three faces staring at him.

"You havent exactly proven yourself, have you?" Thorin shot back, motioning towards the new bandages on Kili's arm, gleaming bright white in the firelight. Kili froze,  _the one time they were actually accidental no one believes me_ he fumed.

"That wasnt on purpose!"

"How can I believe you? How can I believe anything you say right now?" thorin answered, feeling his temper rise.

"Thorin!" Gandalf scolded, for this was no way to speak with Kili as he was right now. "Please, control your temper. You are not helping. Kili, please come sit. We can talk this out,  _calmly."_ and he pulled out a chair for him. Kili hesitated, then sat with a huff, ignoring his brother's worried glance.

"What do  _you_ propose we do, Kili?" Gandalf asked, leaving out the  _since you obviously know whats best for you_ remark.

"I want to come with you, to a Erebor." Kili said without a pause, his eyes flashing as if to say  _dont you dare tell me I cant go._

Gandalf sighed, "I do not deem that wise, Kili. The path you are taking is certainly no place to heal. Think of the position you will be putting the rest of the company in. They would have to constantly watch-"

"I dont need to be watched." Kili interrupted, Im fi-"

"No your not." Fili spoke up, glancing at his brother before continuing "You're not fine. Ive never seen you like this, and Kili  _it's scaring me._ Please, for once in your life do what you're told. Go to Rivendell with Gandalf."

Kili's face fell, "You, you don't want me to come, do you?" Kili whispered, and Fili felt his heart break just a little bit.

"No, of course I want you to come, but I also want whats best for you." Fili explained slowly.

" _Sure."_

Kili rolled his eyes, this was getting frustrating. Why couldn't they just let it go, and let it be? Why couldn't everything just go back to the way it was, when nobody knew his secret?  _Why are they all looking at me? Why cant they just leave me alone?_ Suddenly he felt the walls closing in, and once again felt the overwhelming sense of pressure under a spotlight.  _I can't breathe, I can't feel anything, I need it, the blade. Now. Right Now!_

He stood up slowly, ignoring the eyes on him and then bolted for the door and for the woods outside. Ignoring the shouts of "Kili!" and "Someone grab him!" he countinued deeper and deeper into the woods of Beorn until he finally ran out of breathe. He looked behind him, he could still see the lights of Beorn's home but they were dim. He turned his back from the light and started to pace. He could feel himself trembling, he needed to cut, to feel the release. He padded at his pockets, then looked around the ground looking for anything that would be sharp enough. Finally he found something; a discarded slightly bend iron nail, one that Beorn, during his many years here repairing and building his wooden home, must have dropped and forgotten about. Kili felt it carefully with his fingers, checking for rust (he didnt want to risk infection), when he was satified that it was "safe", he pulled up the sleeve to his right arm and dragged the nail across his forearm until it the pain was too much and his arm was red with blood. _This is wrong, I cant do this anymore. But I need it._ Frustrated, he pocketed the nail and sat down, leaning against a tree. He looked up at the stars shining down on him.  _How did it come to this?_

Kili sat there for a long time, until he heard footsteps coming his way. Quickly, he covered up the cuts with his sleeve as he saw Bofur's hat come into sight.

"There you are, Kili. Everyone's been in an uproar looking for you." He said with relief and a smile.

Kili nodded, but didnt say anything.

Bofur came and sat down next to him, just like that night in the cave. There was silence, the only sounds the wind in the trees, and the occaional owl.

"I may have lost him" Kili finally said in a faint whisper into the darkness.

"Who?"

Kili turned, eyes brimming, "Myself."

"What do you mean?"

"I think about the person I used to be, and he seems so far away now. I don't know what to do."

"You'll have to find him." Bofur answered gently

"How?"

Bofur paused for a moment, then spoke in a wise tone; "Kili, finding yourself is a journey, not a destination. More often than not, you hit a bump in the road, and sometimes you fall flat on your face. But you have to find the strength inside to pull yourself back up. You are so strong, Kili. I have faith in you."

Kili turned to look at the older dwarf

"You do?"

Bofur smiled, "I never doubted you for a second. Now come on, lets get you inside." then he stood up, offering him a hand. Kili took it, and they both headed back inside.

Thorin was pacing by the mantle when he saw Bofur and his nephew come in through the back door. Ignoring Gandalf and Balin's looks he strod over to Kili, grabbing his shoulders.

"Where were you? I was so worried about you." Thorin asked sternly.

"He was just outside, doing some thinking. No harm was done, right Kili?" Bofur answered for them, and Kili nodded.

"Thank goodness. Thank you, Bofur." the dwarf nodded, and realizing his dismissal he backed away, leaving Kili with Thorin.

Thorin looked at his nephew, "You had us all scared."

"Im sorry, Uncle."

"It's alright."

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Just so you know, I am going to stray from the original canon now, and make it more AU. I just can't see Kili going through all of this just to die at the end, so I'm going to put my own twist on it. Hope that's alright!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Thorin isnt going to send me away, is he?" Kili asked, forehead creasing in worry. Fili shook his head, "I don't know. He's torn, he knows how much this quest means to you. But, he's also worried about you."

Several hours into the night Kili still couldnt fall asleep. His mind kept drifting to the nail that was in his pocket. He rolled over in his bed again, trying to get comfortable. He cast a quick glance at his snoring brother and felt a pang of jealousy.  _How can he sleep so soundly when he's making all that racket?_ He though grumpily, then rolled over to his side, trying to block atleast some of the noise out with his pillow.

Finally he sat up, then got out of bed and walked over to the window. The moon was shining bright over the meadow, casting a white glow among the shrubs and trees. He put his hand up to the glass and watched as it was lite with moonlight. Everything seemed so much softer under the moon, more peaceful.  _Innocent._ He flipped over his hand and looked at the dark cuts that scattered his wrist, the ones that he had made earlier that evening. As he looked at them, he suddenly felt a pang of guilt.  _These shouldnt be here._ then a sudden need to confess to somebody what he did. To show someone his hurt, and see if maybe, just maybe they would understand why he did it. He longed to talk about it, but at the same time he was afraid of how they would react. Would they be angry, like Thorin? Sad, like Bofur? Or Afraid like Fili?

He turned around, then asked in the darkness.

"Fili?" he whispered

Silence.

"Fili? He asked again, a little louder.

" _Fili!"_

"Hmmm?" came a sleepy reply.

"I-I need to show you something."

A sigh. "Kili, its the middle of the night. Can it wait?" came Fili's cross answer.

"Oh."

And the need to confess vanished.

"Nevermind. Go back to sleep."

The next morning, Fili gazed over the wide selection of breakfast options as he listening to Bilbo and Bofur quarrel about the uses of honey on one side, and Thorin and Dwalin conversing about the hidden door and Durin's day on the other. Just as he was about to reach for another scone-

"Fili?" came Kili's tentative voice from behind. Fili turned around and saw Kili standing in the doorway.

"Yes, brother?"

"I-I want to show you something." Kili's said in small voice.

"Alright."

"Alone."

Fili stood up and turned around to look at Kili, standing in the doorway. He quickly exchanged glances with Thorin before walking towards his brother. He let Kili lead them out to the secluded balcony, where he sat in one of the lower benches. Fili sat next to him, waiting for his to speak. They sat in silence for a few moments. Neither had felt this tension since the night of the cave until finally Kili took a deep breathe, then pulled up his sleeve to show his brother the new cuts from the night before on his right arm.

"I-I thought you should know. I dont want to keep any more secrets from you." Kili whispered

Fili's fingers hovered over the scars, but before he touched, he looked up at Kili. "Does it hurt?" he asks, and Kili shook his head. He lightly traced the scars with his fingers, wincing at the sight of so many.

"why?" fili asked after a pause. He saw Kili's eyes flash.

"Its just…so much has happened, and I couldnt-I couldnt handle the pressure anymore. I  _had_ -this is how I cope when things go bad, and now that I cant- it's just-so hard to  _stop_." Kili stuttered, trying to explain and still remain composed.

"When?"

"After Thorin, and Gandalf. Then, when I ran."

"Oh."

There was silence, then Fili asked "That was yesterday. Why didnt you tell me?"

Kili pulled his wrist away, covering the scars over with his sleeve.

"I was afr-I didnt want you to worry."

"Oh Kili, you never have to be can always,  _always_ tell me anything."

"I know."

"Next time this happens-you feel this way, just  _try_ to come to me first."

"Everybody keeps saying that.  _Come to me first, talk to me first before you do anything._ Dont you understand how hard it is for me to even say anything?" Kili snapped back.

"Then what do you propose we do? Just ignore it? This is serious Kili,  _you have to stop this."_ Fili replied harshly, but then his eyes softened when he say Kili's panic.

"I can't. " he whispered

Fili turned to look his brother in the eye, "Yes. Yes you can. I believe in you."

"How? There's no way out."

Fili sighed,"Yes, yes there is. This is just a hard hole to climb out of. Have courage, brother." then pulled his brother into a hug. "Im glad you came to me."

"Me too."

Fili smiled, "See? Just by wanting to talk about it, you've made a few steps towards recovery. Don't loose hope."

"Thorin isnt going to send me away, is he?" Kili asked, forehead creasing in worry. Fili shook his head, "I don't know. He's torn, he knows how much this quest means to you. But, he's also worried about you."

"He doesnt have to worry about me. I can handle my own problems."

Fili sighed, this was getting hard for me. He agreed with Gandalf and Thorin, Kili should go to Rivendell, and fully recover but he didnt know how to tell this to his brother. Kili seemed so set on countinuing on with this quest.

"Kili." said softly, "Please dont take what I am about to say in spite. To be honest, I think you should go with Gandalf." he said slowly, looking at Kili and praying for a good reaction.

Kili's eyes flashed up, "You think I can't handle myself?" he asked, for to him, going to Rivendel, asking for help, meant failure.

Fili sighed again, then shook his head. "You said yourself that you wanted to fix this, Gandalf is offering you the help you need to recover. Dont you want that?"

Kili shrugged, "I guess. I'd rather stay with you though. I dont want to be alone."

"Your not going to be alone, you'll be with the elves. And it wont be forever, you'll come back once we have Erebor."

Kili shook his head, "I can't give up now."

Fili then realized that this wasn't about the quest, or getting better, this was about  _pride._ Kili had set out on this quest to prove himself to Thorin. But that didnt matter now, the events of the past few days had changed everything. Kili was hurting, badly. He needed a place to rest, to recover from what ailed him. Fili put his hand on his brother's shoulder, "You won't be giving up, you'll just be…..taking another route. You'll still get to the same place in the end, even if it takes a little longer than expected."

Kili shook his head, but didnt say anything.

Several hours later Fili stood before Thorin, trying to stand tall and brave as he told his uncle what Kili had shown him.

"He did it again?" Thorin asked

"Yes."

"With what? I thought we were keeping an eye on him."

"I dont know, he didnt tell me."

Thorin looked up at Fili, "This is serious."

Fili nodded, "I know."

"What should we do?" Thorin asked, and Fili was taken aback. His uncle was asking  _him_ for advice? Never in his life had he seem Thorin question his decision making before. It was slightly unnerving. This who thing with Kili had been unnerving to all of them.  _Stupid goblin king._

Fili took a breath, and then, even though it pained him to say this (for deep down he wanted his brother to stay with the company) he said;

"I think Kili should go with Gandalf. Get the help he needs in Rivendell."

Thorin nodded.

"Alright."

And Fili felt like the worst person in all of middle earth.

As Kili stepped into the room his shared with his brother, he knew something was wrong the moment he saw Gandalf, Thorin and Fili, and the packed bag on the bed.

"What's going on?" he asked, almost afraid to hear the answer.

"You are going to Rivendell. I have made my decision." Thorin growled.

"You cant cont-"

"Yes. Yes I can. I am your uncle, I know what's best for you."

"No."

Kili shook his head.  _This isnt happening. They cant be doing this._ All he wanted was to countinue on with the quest, he needed it to prove himself to his uncle. If he left now he would be a failure.

_No, no no no, no no I wont let them. I can't leave, I wont._

_"_ Kili. You are going, even if I have to turn around and walk back with you."

Kili looked to his brother for support, anything, anything to let him stay.

"Fili-" he started but faltered as Fili shook his head.

"You should go with Gandalf, Kili."

Kili's eyes lingered on the packed bag.  _They were serious_. They were really doing this, Gandalf was taking him away from the one place that he needed to be. And at that moment he hated them for it, but not as much as he hated himself for what he had become. He felt numb as Gandalf issued him outside the room, as Fili gave him once last look of concern, as the others looked up at him from their lunch in the dining all. This wasn't happening. This cant be happening.

_Stupid Goblin King._

The last Fili saw was his brothers bewildered face as he was shuffled out of the room by gandalf.

Then it hit him like a pound of rocks. Kili was not going to be coming with them. _He was alone_  . This was the first time he was going to be separated from his brother. He cast a look at Thorin,  _are you sure this is the right thing?_ Thorin just nodded, face set in stone. Even though Fili felt sad, deep down he knew this was the right thing to do.

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Why?" Elrond's glare would have set things on fire if it could.
> 
> Kili stared down at the bloody bandages in shame.
> 
> "You've come so far, Kili. I dont understand. What happened?"

888

Kili followed Gandalf blindly, not looking the wizard in the eye, nor speaking to him as they traveled by eagle towards the Rivendell. Gandalf chattered endlessly about this and that, filling the silence with unknown facts about things Kili really didn't care about anymore. Every mile they went they were going further and further away from what Kili wanted most and it was killing him.

888

Fili stared at his brother's empty bed and fought tears.  _He's really gone. And he's not coming back._ He knew what they did was right, but the treacherous look in Kili's eyes as he was pulled away seemed to be burned in the back of Fili's mind. He ignored the other's voices of concern as they packed their backs and headed towards the Mirkwood forest.

888

The first thing Kili noticed about Rivendell was that he was never alone. There was  _always_ an elf with him, where ever he went. Even to the bathroom. They were always watching him, always assessing, looking for moments of weakness, trying to gauge how unstable he really was. This unnerved him slightly, and for the first few nights he couldn't even sleep because of the elf by his side.  _Watching._

888

It was noon, or at least, Fili thought it was noon. The air in the Mirkwood was cold and stale. He could barely breathe. They had stopped for a breif break,but Fili just picked at his bread.  _If Kili were here, we'd juggle the bread, make a game out of it, make everyone laugh._ It was so hard to do that by himself. Then he was startled by a voice;

"Name three things you are thankful for."

Fili looked to his left and saw Bilbo staring at him, apparently waiting for an answer.

"What?"

"Three things, that you are thankful for." Bilbo repeated.

"Uhhh…" Fili stammered, the question taking him off guard. He had wallowed so deep in his own misery that he had forgotten his blessings. He had to think for a moment.

"I can go first if you want." Bilbo prompted, and Fili nodded.

"I am thankful for; water; because we still have it, the brief glimpse I caught of the sky earlier, and Bofur's ability to produce an intune song with that blasted flute of his." Bilbo finished, smiling.

Now you go.

And Fili smiled.

888

Kili stared at the empty page in front on him. He was supposed to be writing out his  _feelings._  But at this moment, all he felt was annoyance at being told to do something. He somehow felt that  _that_ wasnt what Elrond wanted him to write about. So he continued to stare and ponder. He wiggled restlessly in his chair and shot a cold glare at the elf who sat 10 feet in front him, engrossed in a book.  _Why do they always have to watch me? Because you are insane._

888

The spider lunged itself at Fili, and for the first time he felt grateful that Kili was not with him. He would not have wanted to watch a huge monster devour his baby brother.  _No, I just watched him destroy himself._ He didnt know which one was worse. With a quick slice of his sword he cut the spider down, watching it wiggle and writhe until it stood still. Then he ran.

888

Kili stared down at the scars scattered across his wrist, and then back up at Elrond. He hated this.  _I'd rather slay a dragon than tell you why I'm weak._ The days were getting harder and harder as he became more frustrated with the way the elves were treating him. Everyday it was  _express your feelings_ and  _use nature to heal your soul wounds._ He really did not care at this point. All he wanted was to go home. To be with Fili again.  _Should I tell Elrond that? I should say something. He's been staring for way too long._

"I-" he started, Elrond gave him an encouraging nod.

"Yes?"

"I-Imissmybrother." he muttered quietly.  _Why is it so hard for me to speak now? Ive never stuttered like this before._

Elrond nodded, "You were close to him?"

"yes."

888

Fili lay shivering in his cell and stared up through the small barred window that opened up to the sky.  _If I turn my head just slightly, I can see the stars._ He readjusted his hands on his chest and winced at the sound of the shackles that held him to the wall. They really didn't fetter his movement, if he wanted too, he could stand up and move halfway across the cell without them restraining him. He still hated them though, he hated the fact that he was not in control of his own body. He hated the elves just a little bit more for knowing that  _this_ was worse than any torture device. The  _shame_ in being held down, of not being able to do what he wanted was what got to him the most.

888

Kili got out of his bed and walked over to his balcony. The Elf that was supposed to be watching him was fast asleep. He looked up and gazed at the stars. He had never felt so  _trapped_ in his entire life. Where was healing in this? Wasnt he supposed to feel better? He traced the now fading scars on his collarbone. He still ached for the blade, espeicaly now when he was being treated like an unstable bomb. Though, he thought had made some progress that afternoon when Elrond checked his jounrel, and instead of finding words, he found pictures. Elrond had just smiled and said "This is good." 

 

888

"Fili"

"Hmmm?"  _jingle, clankle, clank_ as Fili sat up.

"Fili?" a voice from the door.

"Bilbo?"

"Yes."

Fili stood up slowly, then took one, two three steps towards the door before the chains stopped him. He saw the faint outloud of Bilbo, and...Dwalin?

"What's going on?"

"We've come to get ya, laddie. Our burglar has found a way out of this terror."

Fili smiled for the first time in days.

"Bilbo, you are one thing I am thankful for."

The keys just jingled in response as they opened the door.

888

"Name three things you are thankful for."

The voice jolted Kili from his trance. He turned on the bench he was sitting to look for the speaker, his journal falling from his lap.

"What?" he asked

A pair of hands, and a head full of dark red wispy hair caught his sight and he watched as they picked up the fallen book, brushed it off and handed it out to him. He looked up and saw the speaker was a young she-elf, she smiled a-little at him then said;

"Three things you are thankful for. Go."

"uhhhhh" he though.  _What am I thankful for?_ His eyes darted up and down and around, anywhere but the she-elf's gaze.

"That is hasn't rained in a while?"

"Okay. That's one, two more."

"uhh-this nice view."

"one more."

"I haven't cut since I've been here."

"Ahhhh."

Kili covered his mouth with his hands.  _I didn't mean to say it like that. I didn't mean to say that, period._

The she-elf sat down next to him.

"Tauriel."

"Excuse me?"

"Tauriel. That's my  _name._  And you?"

"Kili."

888

_If I ever smell apples again, I think I may vomit a little._ Fili thought grudgingly as he crawled out of his barrel and onto the sandy shore of the river. He took a couple of shaky breathes, and then stood up to help the others.  _Because that's what a Prince does. He puts other's pain before his._ He felt his heart pang a little when he counted only 12 barrels and remembered that Kili wasn't here.  _Kili would have loved this._ But when they entered Laketown, and he heard the overwhelming cheers of the people there, and felt their greedy stares he was glad his brother was not with him.  _It would have been too much pressure on him._ Especially since most of the songs were about Thorin and his direct heir.

888

An arrow flew through the air and hit target right in the bull's eye.

"Try and beat that, dwarf!"

Kili must have been making some progress,for Elrond had let him have a bow in his hand for the first time in weeks, even though he didn't feel any different. He ignored Tauriel's gloating and focused on the target that was behind the one the elf had just hit, drawing the string back with strong arms, he let it go and heard the familiar  _flump_ of the arrow hitting it's target.

He turned to Tauriel.

"Ha!"

And he felt himself smile, for the first time in weeks. Tauriel was giving him a funny look.

"What?" he asked

"You should do that more often." she said

He shook his head.  _What is she talking about?_

"Do what?"

"Smile."

888

The dragon. The gold. The hobbit.

The war?

This was the last thing Fili expected to do while on this quest. Why had the men slain the dragon? What were Goblins and Orcs doing outside? What  _exactly_ had happened? He had no idea. All he knew now was that Thorin was throwing a fit, something about the Arkenstone and Bilbo being a traitor. At this point Fili really didnt care at all. They had Erebor back, and that was all that mattered. All he wished was that Kili could see the great marble halls and mountains of gold.  _We did. I can't believe we did it._

But it wasnt over yet.

888

"Why?" Elrond's glare would have set things on fire if it could.

Kili stared down at the bloody bandages in shame.

"You've come so far, Kili. I dont understand.  _What happened?"_

_Tauriel left. She left without saying goodbye._

Kili just shook his head and said nothing.

"Kili. Im waiting."

But he just couldn't say it. He would not come down to that level, to fully admit that such a simple thing as Tauriel leaving would cause him to relapse back into old habits. But he had to say  _something._

_"_ Was it because of Tauriel?" Elrond prompted and Kili's eyes flashed up.

"It wasnt because of you. She's the captain of the guard. She  _had_  to leave, there's a war going on, you know."

This perked Kili's intrest.  _A war?_

"Where?"

"Erebor."

And Kili felt his heart skip a beat. It had been so long since anybody had even uttered that name, he had almost forgot its meaning.

"My home?"

"I'm sorry."

888

Fili was in Warrior Mode. He didn't think. He didn't feel. All he did was kill, and protect, and shout. Maybe this is why he didn't feel the arrow in his chest. Or the slice of the blade at his hip. Or the sudden rush as he fell to the ground.

_Please don't let this be my end._

888

Kili was silent.

_Erebor._

Gandalf was there again. With his Eagle. And dire news. The Battle of Five Armies had escalated to a chaotic level. He needed more warriors. Only bits of the conversation made their way through to Kili's mind.  _Dead. Deceased. Injured. Dead._

Suddenly he couldn't breathe anymore. He found that he really didn't care that he had fallen to the ground. Or that the elves were surrounding him, trying to figure out what was wrong.

_Please don't let this be their end._

888

_Bofur's ability to produce an intune song with that blasted flute of his._

That voice in his head. It was so familiar, yet so far away. No. It was close. It was getting louder. What was going on?  _Why can't I move? Or open my eyes? Where am I?_

Fili struggled with consciousness, but the darkness one and he slipped back into nothing.

"Boots!"

He woke with a shout. Eyes wide open, he realized that it was own voice that woke him.

"What? Did he say something? Is he awake?" voices murmured and he heard footsteps. First person Fili saw was Bilbo.

"Boots-that's the thing I'm thankful-They keep my feet dry-boots-very thankful-I like mine-Thorin made me them-boots." He mumbled, trying to explain but feeling frustrated that his tongue wasn't working.

"What's he muttering on about?" a voice asked

"I don't know. It could still be dementia, he was out for a long time." another voice answered.

Fili looked around at the blurry faces and his eyes connected with Bilbo's.

"Im-Im too tir-I cant think of-"

He was cut off by Bilbo's finger's on his lips.

"Shhhh. It's alright, Fili. Im sure you have lots of things to be thankful for. You can tell me later. Rest now." the little hobbit explained soothingly.

Fili nodded and closed his eyes.

_Rest._

888

"I think you are ready to go home."

Kili looked up from his breakfast plate and stared at Elrond.

"What?"

"Despite the few….episodes you had, you have accomplished a lot within these last few months. You have become more open about your feelings, and less shamed of those scars. I think it's time for you to return to your uncle and brother." Elrond explained with a small smile.

It was true. It had been a month since he had fainted, 3 since Tauriel left. And for the first time, in a long while Kili felt  _good._ Happy, at peace.

The fact that Thorin was now happily ruling as King Under the Mountain may have helped just a little.

"You think so?" he asked

Elrond nodded, "I  _know_ so."

Kili felt like running and jumping for joy.  _I am going home._

888

Fili limped awkwardly on crutches into his uncle's small but royal study room.

"You wanted to see me, Uncle?" Fili asked

Thorin put down the letter he was reading, and looked up at him with an expression that Fili couldnt read clearly. Joy maybe?

"This is from Lord Elrond. About your brother."

Fili froze. He had stopped asking for news of Kili a few months ago, feeling hopeless that Kili would never fully recover.

"Yes?"

Thorin gave him a rare smile.

"Lord Elrond says Kili is ready to return to us."

There was a clang as the crutches dropped, and Fili's uncharacteristic cry of "YES!" filled the air as he jumped up and down in excitment. He didnt care that Thorin winced at his actions, nor took any notice to the pain in his leg. None of it mattered.

_Kili was coming home._

888888

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last one! There will be an Epilogue up shortly though. Thanks for reading and sticking with me until the end!
> 
> Oh, and this is cross posted on FF.net under "PrincessMeowKitty."


	7. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue
> 
> 5 months after BOFA, Kili finally is reunited with his family.

Kili shifted anxiously in the saddle of his pony as Erebor loomed into sight.  _Home._ They had been traveling for the last month and a half, and he very site of Erebor made him feel so many things; excitement, nervousness, happiness, and concern.

He blew his bangs out of his eyes and directed his pony next to Elrond's horse.

"Don't be nervous." Elrond told him.

Kili nodded. He was nervous, but a good nervous. He hadn't seen his brother, or uncle or kin in more than a year and he was excited to see them, but also nervous. He had been in such a bad place last time he saw them, he couldnt help but wince at the memories. As excited as he was to be reunited with his family, he was worried. He had learned so much in Rivendell, how to channel his emotions in a healthy way, how to find peace with himself. It had been easy there, in a place of healing where the methods he had learned came like second nature. But this wasn't Rivendel, this was the  _Real World._ Would he still be able to carry on the same way, without the help of Elrond or the other elves. He didn't know, but he hoped so.

"What if they don't recognize me? Or they dont like what they see?" he voiced his concerns out loud. Elrond reached out and put a hand on Kili's shoulder.

"They will."

Fili paced back and forth infront of the mantle, ignoring the limb in his walk. His injuries had been grave, but he had made it through and was healing well.

"Are they here yet?" he asked anxiously

Thorin couldn't help but smile at his excitement. "They should be soon, Dwalin said the North guard spotted them not ten minutes ago."

Fili smiled, "Good. I can hardly wait to see my brother."

Few minutes late, a dwarf walked in and cleared his throat;

"My lords, they are here." he said, and Fili actually bounced up and down. Thorin chuckled and watched his excited nephew run out of the living room. He was just excited to see Kili, he just hoped Kili had forgiven him for what he did. He closed his eyes and shook the mental frame of his nephews bewildered face from his mind.

Fili strode out into the hallway, looking anxiously around for his brother. Then he saw a small dark haired dwarf standing next to Elrond and smiled.  _Kili._ He walked as fast as his leg would let him and opened his arms up wide.

"Kili!" he shouted, unable to restrain his excitement. "Welcome home!" and embraced his brother in a large bear hug.

"Fili! Am I glad to see you! It has been far to long!" Kili exclaimed in his ear. They withdrew from each other, each looking over the other fondly.

Fili smiled, Kili looked like  _Kili._ The one he knew before the quest. Happy, handsome, healthy, happy-go-lucky Kili.

Kili was looking around the hall in awe, "So, this is Erebor? I never imagined it would be so big." Fili nodded, "You get used to it." He couldn't stop smiling, he gave his brother's shoulder a squeeze, then turned to Lord Elrond, who had been watching their reunion with a smile on his face.

"Welcome, Lord Elrond to Erebor. I hope your travels went smoothly." He greeted the elf politely, Elrond nodded in thanks.

Fili gestured towards the living room.

"Come, Im sure you want to rest."

Thorin stood when Fili, Kili and Elrond came into the room. He smiled at Kili, who looked healthy and happy, then nodded at Elrond.

"It's good to have you back with us." Thorin told his nephew, and Kili nodded politely. A slight hesitation in his smile now.

As overjoyed as Kili was to see his brother, he was less so to see his uncle. This was the dwarf who had ordered him away, who had shoved him, cursed at him and  _took his knife away._ He had many conversations with Elrond about this moment, about the emotions he would feel, about how he would act, but now that he was here living it, all he could do was stare.

"Kili?" Elrond prompted, knowing that this was the moment the young dwarf had been dreading since they left Rivendell. But then Kili took a step towards Thorin and embraced him.

"Ive missed you so much, Uncle."

Thorin laughed as he wrapped his arms around his youngest. "It is so good to see you, Kili." He murmured in a low voice, suddenly overcome by emotions. The last time he saw Kili, the lad was merely a shadow; so lost, so sad, so confused that he barely even recognized himself. Now, Kili was here, shining bright in his arms. He pulled Kili out in front of him;

"Look at you, you look so much better."

Kili beamed, "I feel so much better."

Thorin squeezed his shoulders, "I'm proud of you, it takes courage to pull through something like that and you did."

Kili just smiled.

They stared at eachother for a few more moments, and then Thorin's eyes lit on Elrond. He never thought he would feel so much gratitude towards an  _elf._

"I am sure you are hungry after your journey, Master Elf. Please, let's go to the dinning all." Thorin said, with a wave of his hand. He wanted to make sure that they gave the brothers enough space to get reacquainted.

As Elrond and Thorin left, the brothers looked at each other. This was the first time they had been alone since Beorn's, more than a year ago. So much had happened that they each felt slightly nervous around the other, so much had changed since they last saw each other. Kili was standing up straight with confidence, and smiling, and was wearing loose sleeves that didn't quite cover the scars but they didn't seem to bother him anymore.

While Fili bore the scars from the Battle of Five Armies on his face, scars that would never fade, and had a limp that would never heal.

Kili noticed them, and took a step towards his brother, then reached out his hand, fingers tracing lightly over the scar on Fili's cheek.

"Does it hurt?" he asked, and for a moment, Fili was hit with nostalgia as Kili's words echoed his own from long ago. Fili shook his head, "No. If this looks bad, you should have seen the orc who thought he could behead me." he said with a smile. Kili laughed, a sound that neither had heard in far too long.

"You must tell me everything that happened since Beorn's." Kili demanded, Fili smiled, "I will, only if you tell me what happened to you after you left."

"Deal."

"You first." they both said at the same time and both laughed a little.

So they started, laughing, interrupting, and teasing each other until their stories ended.

"I can't believe you fell for an elf." Fili smirked as Kili told him about Tauriel.

"I can't believe you allowed Bilbo to stuff you in an apple barrel and throw you down a river. What an adventure!" Kili retorted with a laugh.

Fili smiled at his brother, until now Erebor had just felt like fortress, but now, with his brother laughing beside him, it felt like  _home._ Suddenly, it came to him; the third thing he was thankful for.

"I'm thankful for you." he told Kili.

Kili grinned, "You do that too?"

"What?"

"The "Three Things I'm Thankful For" thing?"

"Yes, I guess I do. Now thinking of it." Fili replied.

Since Bilbo left, he  _had_ been doing it. Everytime something went wrong; he fell because of his leg, noticed people staring at his face, or felt the pressures of being Prince, he found that he would pause, take a deep breathe and Bilbo's voice would ring in his ears;  _name three things you are thankful for right now._ It was surprisingly calming.

"I guess a little bit of Bilbo has rubbed off on me. He was the one who got me started with it." he continued contemplatively.

"how did  _you_  hear about it?" Fili asked

"Rivendell. When I felt like- _you know-_ I would pause and ask myself what I was thankful for. It helped... " Kili trailed, suddenly nervous about talking about it infront of his brother.

"So, what are yours?" Fili then asked, Kili smiled, "I'll tell you if you tell me."

"Alright. I'll start." Kili though for a second, then answered.

"That it's not raining, that we  _finally_ have a place to call home, and that you are my big brother." he finished. "Your turn."

Fili couldn't help but smile, "How did you do that?"

"What?"

"You stole mine!"

"Ha! I guess good minds think alike!"

And finally things were at peace.

_I am home._

The End!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for sticking with me until the end. And now I challenge you; What are three things that you are thankful for today?
> 
> I am thankful you; my cats, my family and you, my readers. Thank you for supporting me through writing this!
> 
> This simple question has helped me so much. So, next time you are feeling down, try it. Best of luck to all of you!
> 
> Hannon le :)


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